How to get more out of your life

or

"Is this all there is?"

Introduction ..... Why am I going nowhere? ..... Where do I start?
Will it make a difference? ..... Who do I want to be? ..... The way ahead

Not that long ago I noticed that my life was beginning to fly by, and with very little achieved in it.  In fact I've noticed that a lot of people are beginning to wonder what they are doing with their lives. It's now 15-20 years since my generation left college. We all went out into the world, and now find ourselves wondering just what we achieved. I think most of us have noticed how fast the time went!

To avoid doing nothing with my life, I've learnt that I at least need to go back to basics from time to time and work out what I am attempting to do with my life.   This page consists of good advice to myself.  If you can profit from it, you're welcome.

So where am I now? Well, I know that most of us didn't do too badly, did we? But to what end? Say you get married, you buy a house, work 9-5.30 every day, and where does it get you? Children come along, and you just end each day too tired to do anything worthwhile. Life seems an unending cycle of chores and responsibilities. Whatever happened to fun? Whatever happened to those student ambitions? All you find yourself doing is waiting to retire. Whatever happened to those ideals we had as a student? How often we cling to them, as the only thing that defines us as a person any more. Were they the best years of your life? Is this all there is to life?

I suppose this is what people call the mid-life crisis. The former Labour party cabinet minister John Stonehouse captured the feelings of us all by leaving his clothes on a beach, and running off to Rio with a secretary. There must be a good many of us who have wondered whether that option is for them. (Personally I've never been able to locate a secretary willing to go with me, so that option was of course ruled out for me!).

With all this tends to go a fair amount of cynicism and disillusionment. We've all tried quick-fix solutions, and they don't work. So what can we do?

This page contains some ideas to mull over. I don't suggest that they are particularly original. I'm afraid I don't believe much in quick-fix books and self-help manuals. They may work for some people - I don't know - but not for me. I don't really believe in panaceas. If you have reached the "Stonehouse Point", you probably don't either. So if what I have below helps, use it - if not, ignore me. I shan't mind!

And remember, you are responsible for your life, not me. Think it all through. What works for me, may not work for you. Even if what I say is objectively true, it will need some rephrasing to apply exactly to your life, rather than mine! This is not panacea-time - this is real life!


"At this moment you are the only man in the army
who knows what he is doing"
(sign in a barracks lavatory)

If you feel you are going nowhere, perhaps it is because you've never tried to go anywhere in particular. If you've just done what everyone else does, you'll end up where everyone else does - dead bored, or maybe just dead! You need to have a dream - an idea of where you want to go to.

"If you don't have a dream, how are you going to have a dream come true?" they sang in South Pacific. The Bible says "Without a vision, the people perish" (Proverbs 29.18 KJV). Remember that no-one ever said on their deathbed, "I wish I'd spent more time in the office"! The graveyards are full of people who thought they were irreplaceable.

Without a life goal of some sort, however modest, all of us end up like ants - working all day so we can create the next generation of ants who will do the same. It's no life for an intelligent being. Why have a brain, if we are no better than the beasts? Some modern people think it's clever to say that man is an animal, or only an animal. Aristotle said that some men are fit only to be slaves. If you have got this far, I hope that you are in neither category. That means we have to have a reason.

A caution at this point; let's not get overambitious! Otherwise we just get depressed. A goal for a single day is enough, to start with - something minor. Also, let's not make work for ourselves. Many of us are overworked. I don't want anyone to add another chore to their burden! Keep it light, keep it small, keep it manageable. We don't have to solve world hunger, or make contact with beings from another planet, not today anyway.


How will I get to Shangri La?

Anything worthwhile in life takes a bit of effort. Usually a plan is needed to get you there. Most of us use our planning abilities only in the office, or to manage our chores. It's very hard to break out of that mindset, and start to apply them to other things.

Plan to do small steps. There is an old adage, "How do you eat an elephant? - a little at a time". If you are too ambitious, or commit more to a plan than you are ready for, it becomes frightening and stressful, rather than liberating. Work within your limits.

Don't rush. Life is short, but serious life-change is simply too threatening for most of us. It took me two years to make up my mind to leave my permanent job and go freelance, because I didn't know if I could handle it. In that time, I thought through all of my concerns, and tried to get answers on how I would manage them. I've known too many people for whom the gap between their dreams and their lives was too big for them. I've talked to people who could double their salaries, and improve their lives, easily, who are simply too frightened. The reason is always that the risk is too much. Do it in small steps, and know how you are going to get back.


Are we having fun yet?

One barrier to getting going is that I find myself wondering if everybody just ends up very much like this.

This is a quite intelligent realisation. There is no point in travelling the stars to escape your problems, if you take them with you because your personality is the problem. Notoriously the famous and successful say that, when you get to the top, you find there's nothing there. Rich kids who have everything are famous for their inability to handle it. It's empty. Often these people then turn to religion, to find some meaning to life. Unfortunately at this stage most of them get taken in by whatever fashionable guru or fakir happens to be in circulation, get ripped off, and abandon the whole idea in favour of a life of quiet self-indulgence.

The problem isn't just you and me, it seems. It's a feature of the whole human race. All of us are made to be dissatisfied, even if we have everything we could want. We need more. In fact people suggest that we need a cause, outside of ourselves, something of not just temporary worth or value.

But what? I get edgy when people try to sell me a cause! I'm not going to try to sell you one. Find your own!


That's most of the points I want to make on this page. The rest is for people who wonder how I took this forward myself. I haven't got all the answers - but I have worked out a set of values I think I'm going to stick with, while I look for Shangri La. Feel free to ignore it, if you feel you have something better!


What sort of person do I want to be?
What sort of person do they want to make me?

This question isn't too easy to answer, except superficially. Most people just pick up ideas like litter, and never worry if they don't make sense, or fit together. If you've followed me this far, you want more - something that actually has depth, and makes sense, something worth living for. This means, along the way, adopting and living by a set of principles. And this means avoiding the stuff that THEY want to shove at us. How do we assess the stuff?

So what should we live for? What 'values' (call them what you like) should govern our lives, as rational people? It would seem that this issue has bugged people down the ages. I don't have a smart answer to this; but I tend to apply a couple of quick tests to anyone offering me an answer:

That sweeps a lot of rubbish out of the way. Of course much more could, and should be said - I'm summarising my thoughts on this, because I can only type so much! No-one is paying me, after all, to type this. Mind you, I'm open to offers...

So what are we left with? Well, it leaves us with the long established philosophical and religious groups, and indeed not with all of those. I don't believe that Stoicism is really a live issue. And since I'm not a Jew, I doubt that Judaism has anything to say to me. It really leaves us with Islam and Christianity - and again not all flavours of those. I admit I cannot believe that Islam today, whatever it might be in theory, is really an intellectual movement, rather than a sign of Arab race-consciousness. It seems that all ideals tend to become the badges of political, social or cultural groups, and the criterion for membership then ceases to be whether or not you are one of those who think or live like this, and more a case of "Is he one of us".


The way ahead

I've been left with Christianity. I'm well aware that this is not a socially acceptable option. I'm painfully aware of the unattractive side of religion. But it's been around a long time, and periods when Christianity is rubbished, in our history, coincide with periods of decline and misery. Is it really an improvement, for all of us, that employers can now demand we work on Sundays? I doubt it! The erosion of standards has been real in our day, but I don't notice that I've benefitted. So who has?

But I find most people don't know what I mean by Christianity. It gets mixed up with all sorts of questionable garbage, which I personally do not believe in or live by. This is what Christianity (not 'Anglicanism', not the Vicar, not the Church, not the state, not 'BBC Religion') tells me:

But this is turning into a sermon, which isn't the intention at all. There are plenty of Christians who will be happy to tell you what they know. Make sure you find out how much is lived, rather than just talk! Not everyone who calls themselves a Christian is one - but the real ones have decided to obey Christ whatever it costs, even if they haven't got very far down the road, whereas the fakes are usually out for themselves.

The Bible tells us that the Lord can restore the 'years the locusts have eaten' (Joel 2.25). I think we all know how it feels to look back on years and wonder where they went - the years the locusts have eaten. What it means is that these apparently empty years will prove to have been for some purpose, if they go to turn you into the person you should have been, but for the general messed-upness of the world. I hope so.

Does being a Christian end your problems? No, of course not! For one thing, you still get tax returns to fill in! So why do it? Not because it makes you feel good - drink will do that, in the short term, much quicker. Christ gives his people a purpose, but what that is and how it works, is another subject.


If this page has been of help to you, feel free to email me, Roger Pearse.

(I know there are some very quarrelsome people on the 'net, so if you merely want to tell me I'm wrong, or send me little diatribes phrased as 'questions', please be aware I will bin your email. The reason is that what I have written above comes from personal experience, and as such is a good deal more real to me than anything in an email. Sorry to have to say this, but this too is a personal experience. Best wishes)

Last updated 23rd January 1999.

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